I like to try and wind up M and see where his edges are and see what he’ll do when I bump into them. This is new for me: I would say I’ve never tested anyone before. I usually hang back and play in my comfort zone and try not to touch my boundaries nor other peoples.
BDSM seems to lend itself to pushing against edges. Part of the trust piece for me is knowing there will be a slight backing off when that edge is touched, and then a renewed effort to stretch them and create a new boundary. I’m finding I really like seeing where M’s edges are, and mine.
It’s pretty sexy.
It does’t even have to be sexual or physical. I like saying teasing things and seeing his reaction. Will he be mad? Will he tell me I need to be reprimanded? It’s kind of exciting to see what is going to happen next. So far he hasn’t gotten mad, nor told me I’m going to have a spanking. But, unfortunately, that just means I need to push a little harder. This is a devilish bit to me that apparently is only incited with my bdsm side… so really – it’s sorta M’s fault. lol!
This is kind of scary for me, because I’m a little worried that he’s going to tell me to fuck off and then decide I’m too much hard work. But I know I’m hard work in real life: I’ve got a lot of stuff in me that requires care, openness, and a lot of patience. In my past, I’ve guarded against anyone knowing some of these pieces of me: I was always chipper and pleasant and denied any of my imperfections. M seems to want these parts of me that I have protected from others – that’s scary. I think I’d rather push him and have him leave, rather than have him leave because I’ve shown him my difficult bits and he can’t handle it.
Shit. This took a serious turn. I hope I’m not sabotaging myself. I really like him.