Oops. And a little more…

M and I are still sorting out how we play and fit together. This is the first relationship I’ve had where I feel free to be me, and to talk out loud to my partner about what I *really* crave and want and need. It is magical. Seriously.

So. It turned out that M wanted the clothespin play to happen *with* him for my first time. He liked the vid and the snaps, but it was clear that he wants to experience many of my firsts with me. I can appreciate and understand that. This is a super small bump in our journey as we figure each other out, and I love and embrace the way we are learning together.

It’s a little bit much at this point for me to just blindly walk into a completely unknown situation with a person that I’m just warming up to trusting. I think I need more time for some components of our play. M appears to be fully committed to engender trust between us, and it makes me so soft to him… But i definitely need more time to see it and believe it.

A thing I feel we’re working through is how much and how often and in what way we play in public. We were out recently and I didn’t want him to finger me or twist my nipples pressed against the car this time. While I realize that I’m more likely to speak out in this relationship with M, I also felt a little constrained because of the D/s dynamic that we’re creating.
How much is ok for me to say I don’t want to do something?
At what point do I have to submit to what he’s saying and just go with it to see if I like it?
How do I know if it’s a limit today, when another time I was ok to do a similar thing?
How can I communicate this to him?

There were small nuances this time that I didn’t realize factored: there were young children in our area, I was wearing a longer sundress, and it was very very busy with people. Even though I would have been mortified if one of my children’s friends should happen upon us, I would have been forever wounded if I thought they were confused or hurt in what they witnessed. That’s so deeply pressed in me that I feel it would affect my outdoor play – next time would be tough for me to enjoy.

As it was, the tussle between us was the right amount to get me soaking, and he and I retired to a more secluded, but still outdoor, location for better play. I really liked the way he handled my discomfort. I felt heard, and respected, and valued.

My struggle is that I’m a slow truster, as it turns out. I haven’t had a whack of relationships, and of those few, there have been even fewer ‘good’ ones… add my family-of-origin issues and confusion, and geez. I just can’t quite connect how I can trust M and know that it might not be forever. Anyway – I’m just saying that because it seems there are aspects of trust that come easier to me.

The Magic of M is that he came to me at a time when I had no desire or belief that I would ever find a man interesting. He steadily stoked an ember inside me until it caught fire, it has me glowing all the time. I can feel it brightening and catching.


5 thoughts on “Oops. And a little more…

  1. You never *have to* submit to something that’s asked of you if it is damaging to you mentally or psysically, or if you have moral objections. I couldn’t ever engage in public play where anyone (not just children) might become a non-consenting participant in my kink through witnessing something they didn’t want to see. I have that defined as a limit, And even if I didn’t and the situation began to unfold that way, I would have to call stop.

    It sounds like he respected your wishes and changed coarse. So that’s another instance of building trust. 😊

    I feel like if submissives find themselves in situations where they are not allowed to object, or are made to feel bad for voicing their own preferences and limits, then it’s moving into manipulation and abuse territory and away from a consensual relationship.

    Even if you were fully a slave, and your limits changed, you would still be allowed to safeword and renegotiate. Consensual-nonconsent notwithstanding, you are always within your rights to define your own limits.

    In your case, he pushed your boundaries (which is hot) but he respected your objection and just steered things back to comfortable waters. This is what I would want to happen were it me. He didn’t just shut down the interaction, but tweaked it a bit. Yum. 🙂

    Fun stuff. Exploring and learning each other can be tricky (we’re in that stage too) but it’s so fun to build all those new experiences together. (Even the ones that don’t work are good because you learn more each time.)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for that comment and your experienced perspective.
      Yes – he and I talked after, and he reminded me about the safe word. I’ve never had to have a safe word before, and I forgot about it. It’s a process of learning, and he’s a super learning partner. Open, accepting, clear. ❤
      I definitely feel as though there has been a bump-up in the trust I feel for him (slowly building… scary and amazing! lol!).
      It's SUCH a difference from my previous vanilla rps. I'm constantly stunned that he and I can get so deep so fast. He's magic for me.
      xo D

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you. It helps me sort through my emotions and desires, and I wonder if another new person is reading this and getting some perspective on their lives/desires. I really appreciate hearing from you and your perspective, it super helps me.

    And of course, it’s kinda hot for me to tell everyone what we’re doing. lol!

    xo D


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