The time M and I get to spend together isn’t always alone, and it isn’t always possible to have a play session. Sad, I know. I love being in his presence, though. To watch him with others or how his hands move, or when our eyes meet and hold with a promise of next time, or a shared remembrance of our last time together… it’s sexy and fills my heart and allows me to see him through a different lens.
After our last time together when we only had a few stolen moments left me feeling like I wanted more and needed some release. We had tried to jam in as much as possible into those few moments – a lot of kissing and touching, a lot of intimate chatting, and a little bit of nibbles and pinches. I must have dreamed about him because I woke up feeling full and missing him and wanting his hands on my body. An impossibility until next week. Far too long for me to wait. So I took matters into my own hands early this morning, and wanted his help via messages and pics.
This was a new dynamic for us. And I was slightly disappointed in his lackluster effort in supporting me getting myself off with his dirty talk and strength. I guess I had an idea in my mind about what I wanted and either didn’t communicate it to him, or it’s not in his field of vision (or maybe it was because he was at work. I don’t know. We haven’t debriefed about it yet). A friend of mine mentioned the phrase “topping from the bottom” and I kind of felt that’s what I was doing. That’s what I’ve tried to do in the past in a few relationships and that’s not what I want nor hoped from in M.
An opportunity came up in our messaging and I felt I needed to say something about the level of dominance he was displaying, I didn’t want him to feel defensive about it, but I wanted to strive for clarity regarding my desires and expectations. I was being kind of bossy – a fairly comfortable resting place for me in my life – and I couldn’t tell if this was just healthy/open communication, or if I was topping from the bottom.
And fuck. He stepped into my space of bossiness and took over, he edged me out and I wanted to do what he said. Well, after a little push back. Because really, I am kind of bratty and I wanted to be sure that he could stand in the space.
It is sexy as fuck when he said he wanted a picture of my hand on my pussy. I loved having the camera that close, loved having my fingers inside me, and loved the wet, slippery feel of my body. And I loved that he wanted that from me. And that I could give it to him. Slipping my fingers into my mouth after and sending him a picture of that was so good when he wrote back that he thought it was fucking hot and that I’m his good girl. I can’t describe what a great feeling that was.
Unexpectedly later, while I was out in public and with a number of people, he texted that I was to excuse myself from the group and send him a picture of me pinching my nipple since he won’t be able to do it today. Instant heat bloomed all over me – starting in my pussy and radiating up into my face. I loved that he was thinking about me and thought of this very hot thing that I could do for him. For me.
Will this type of spontaneous demands continue? I hope so. The surprise is so sexy and hot.
The phrase ‘topping from the bottom’ makes sense in my life. I wanted the man to be demanding of me, to keep me on my toes, to push my edges when I didn’t know where they were, to help me figure out my own self and how we connect together. So I would lead, and then reposition myself to make it seem that he had guided us there. It was so unsatisfying and tiring, so disingenuous and inauthentic. It became a real barrier in the relationship because I was often shielding him, and dimming my own light to help him seem bigger and better than he was.
I crave and apparently always have craved a man who can keep me dancing, but also who can provide a constant and steady presence for me to hang on to when I need a break, and not make me feel bad when I do need a break.
The communication between M and i this morning was another brick laid in our foundation. I didn’t censor my need to have him be more bossy, even though it meant that he might perceive me as bossy. I figure we’re still learning and figuring out how we mesh together – and telling him what I think I need was another big step for me. I was thrilled and skeptical when he told me I might regret my decision – I can’t believe that’s possible. He just told me to keep laughing.
Much later he sent a picture of a flogger he made at work for me. Hot. As. Fuck.