Exploring with M is showing me that there are some pieces of my sexuality that are strictly fantasy related.
Or maybe, we just haven’t found the right venue for my exhibitionism yet.
Or maybe my exhibitionism is less related to sex acts *with* someone, and more related to being seen and watched.
I’m not too sure which.
There are always seem to be people around who, as emdimensional phrased it beautifully here, might be non-consenting participants in my kink, and I can’t turn off my awareness of them. Perhaps it’s due to my good-girl self, or because I have kids of my own, but I have a hard time ‘letting go’ in those moments. M is thankfully aware of this, and while he might push a little bit, it feels in fun and silliness and not as a real effort of exerting dominance.
The other night while we were out in the park, chatting and kissing and laughing, there were many older and younger people around us, so we kept things fairly clean – I feel as though older couples would enjoy seeing a younger couple kissing and being close. Maybe remind them of their younger years, when they had less grey hair! At dark, we moved towards the car, and things became hot between us while we were pressed up against the side of the car (hm. I’m beginning to see a trend…)
Did he move my strapless sun dress so my breasts would be exposed? Well, only sort of exposed I suppose, since his body and hands were hiding the sight of my nipples.
Did he tell me to slip my panties down my legs and past my sandals so they were in a tangled pile at my feet? I remember he told me I was a good girl when they were off, but between my nipples, and my hair being pulled and his mouth on mine, I couldn’t really hear or be aware of what was going on around me.
Did he open the car door and bend me over the seat so my ass was now in the air as he wrestled with his belt? It could have been me because I was so hot.
But when I turned into that position, I saw a fairly big group of teenagers hanging around their cars. All boys.
Several thoughts cooled my passion:
Would they be hurt in their hearts, thinking M was hurting me? Who knows what gets triggered in them because of their histories.
Would they be mischievous teens and come over and record us to be posted and passed around social media?
If they are there and I can see them, who is in the parking lot that I can’t see who might be affected.
And alas. In that moment, I realized that my fantasy of having relatively public outdoor sex might not happen in this venue either. Although I do like thinking about it.
We went back to his house, and there he was able to slip my sundress off my shoulders and I stood vulnerably naked in front of him until we hopped into his bed. He thoughtfully re-introduced me to the Hitachi and I had wave after wave of amazingness. I lay on the bed after his hot come splashed across my belly while he found a towel. I’m pretty sure he had asked me some questions (did he say he wanted me to move over on the bed? Something blah blah come all over… who knows) and I’m pretty sure I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to move.
We had an amazing night out. I hesitate to say the best ever, because I know I’ve had some really wonderful times with him. So maybe it was more related to my happy and relaxed emotional state – I’ve done a bunch of reading and self-stuff and have decided to shelve some of my anxieties and past hurts and enjoy the time I’m having with M.
…and dare I say, trust that I will handle whatever comes up.
This release let me be in a different headspace than he’s maybe seen in me. Or maybe it was just a quiet, private moment inside of me where I suddenly felt more expansive inside and strong.
It was beautiful and enjoyable and a space in which I hope I can rest comfortably for a long while yet.