It’s not all sunshine and roses.
I mean, it *is* but there are necessarily moments when that will dip a little deeper and expose emotions and behaviours that haven’t yet been experienced. And in those moments we are offered a glimpse and a perspective of each other that shift us. Ok – that shift me.
There are so many things to which M exposes me that are brand new: ideas, acts, communication, and feelings (to name a few). It leaves me feeling a little unsteady – in terms of my own understanding and experience of my reality, but also in regard to what the heck I’m offering him. He gives me so much to consider and to figuratively taste that I want to give him a similar experience and I feel somewhat …deficient in that I can’t see how I am giving back to him.
I’m not. I know I’m not lacking. I know I give him something, but maybe it’s not important that I understand what it is. This is an exercise in trust – trusting that he knows what he wants and needs, and that he sees it in me.
There was a heated conversation between us, and my emotions bubbled out at the same time his did, and we stopped listening to each other. It was quickly addressed and we were able to talk it out. It was a moment for me because I feel our relationship dipped a little deeper into a layer that we hadn’t plumbed yet. Our relationship became more real in that moment. There was a raw-ness and an exposure. And I felt vulnerable that he saw that in me. And I felt scared because I don’t know what to expect in this level that I haven’t experienced before.
So I acted out. I was trying to wind him up.
I sent picture after picture of things I knew would rile him up. Pinching my nipples. Pouring his beer and drinking it. Sticking out my tongue with my hand in my shirt. Licking my middle finger and slipping my hand into my pants. Half naked photos of me on my bed.
I sent texts that questioned him and his abilities.
I smirked and laughed and challenged him.
I wanted attention and to feel a connection and to displace my feelings of vulnerability and fear.
He said I always have his attention. That he’s cool about our conversation and we’re ok. But my saucy ways are not cool, and not ok.
And yet. I felt unsteady and wanted his hand to help me regain my balance. I wanted to feel the heat of his hand on me. And his strength. And his certainty. I needed to borrow from him until I found my own in this new place. But I couldn’t find my words to say this in the moment.
He promised that he would help me better remember not to be saucy next time.
(…but I feel I need help remembering that I’m secure with him. And he’s sure about me. And that I can be sure with him… How can I remember that…?)