BDSM and emotional me

An unexpected piece of bdsm for me is how my emotions are scooped out and set on a table for me to look at and touch. I thought I was solid with myself and my motivators and the things I believe and feel – but there is a lot going on in here that I have to really focus on in order to process. And since I’ve committed to sharing my journey here, my emotions are part of that for me, so I will write about them.

I lean towards nerdy: I had written another post where I originally listed ‘trust’ as an unpacked emotion, but when I thought about it, I realized that trust isn’t an emotion… ergo, this chart. And I kinda love this chart now.

parrotts-chart-of-emotions

Parrott’s Classification of Emotions (2001) Thanks to this site

This is particularly timely for me. There have been several incidents in the last few weeks when I’ve had to press against my emotional-comfort zone and decide to grow and learn more about myself.

Primary emotions are the ones I feel first – like a knee jerk reaction – and then I can sift through them and reveal subsequent, more specific, emotions that have fed the primary ones. Oftentimes, these have longer ‘tails’ and reach deeper into my past and previous experiences. M continues to be magical for me – asking me to check in with whether my issue is with him or some faceless person in my past. More times than not, his words or behaviours have reminded me of something/someone in my past and I’m just reacting. Part of his magic is that we will discuss things afterward and really dig in with the intent of creating a better disagreement next time. I know, isn’t he dreamy?

Linking back to the post which precipitated all this thought (which I haven’t published yet), I understand how important trust is – I couldn’t do half the things with M if I didn’t have trust in him and us. However, I see how trust issues reach down into some of these emotions, and … amazingly, I don’t think it’s about trusting others. I suspect it’s trusting myself.

What…!?

Do I trust myself to stand up when something crosses my boundary line?
Do I even know my lines?
Do I trust that I will bounce if something terrible happens?
Will I honour my voice and share my feelings?
Can I be sure that I stay steady in my own self?

Enter M. Can I trust that he will accept all those more-challenging bits of me?

Shame, disappointment, embarrassment, anger, hurt, frustration, loneliness… those emotions wreak havoc with trust.

And enter M again. He seems to hug those emotions and seems to teach trust and yet through it all manages to stay steady.

xo D

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