Whence do these proclivities grow?

M finds BDSM a turn on.
I find BDSM a turn on.
I like D/s.

I’ve read enough to know that it’s no longer considered a mental illness under the DSM-V classification, and that it has been held that there can be a healthiness among those of us who live this life (in whatever capacity as it suits you), and it’s been a part of human sexual behaviour for a long …long… time.

And it might be an irrelevant line of thought to plumb the reasons of why… but I am curious about its genesis in me. It’s an interesting thing to hear about the why in others (if you can trace it back to a particular event, or way of thinking).

Actually, I think that there were many incidents in my youth and teen years that led me to believe sex is slightly shameful, that a woman ‘does it’ to please her man, and that my body is for the use and enjoyment of others. (It seems that these were fast thoughts to your eyes, but I’ve been mulling it over – typing and deleting and trying to figure this out…). So my previous vanilla experiences either didn’t touch the scintillating wrongness of sex and thereby didn’t electrify me: it was too open, too bland, too okay. And neither did it offer a Fuck You – I’ll make sex about what feels good to me.

With M, and bdsm as a partner, I’m shedding the ‘wrongness’ of sex, and finding that which pleases me. It’s a lot of emotional work as I probe and unblock my preconceived notions and just follow my body in what I like. And yet, at the same time, some old tapes of shame and embarrassment about being a sexual being are triggered and that is also sexually exciting too.

It’s a somewhat chaotic mix of emotions, rebellion, physical sensations, trust, and coming into my whole self.

To my previous point, maybe it’s not important to tie my sexual enjoyment to a specific historical event, but about trusting that what I’m doing feels good for me (in all the ways: emotionally, mentally, sexually, relationship-ally…) and that I will take measures to ensure that it continues to do so. Or end it if it no longer feels right.

In my meditative/spiritual self, I can see that life is too short to endure bad sex. Up until now, I didn’t realize that. I might have said ‘the fucks i’m getting, aren’t worth the fucks that i’m getting’ but I didn’t absorb what that truly meant. Have fun! Experiment! Be safe, but adventurous! And through it all, aim to be true to your own self and your likes and wants and desires.

xo D


2 thoughts on “Whence do these proclivities grow?

    • Thanks for your comment! I’m finding and hearing that our first sexual experiences (even if they weren’t strictly ‘sexual’) impacts us as adults. I don’t think I realized that. And it’s difficult to untangle the threads … and maybe it’s not necessary (I have a slight tendency to overthink lol!)


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