Our free time together is finally here!
I’m trying to be realistic about our time together and understand that sex and play time is only going to be one component. We have things out in the world that we both want to do. But I’ve got this deep want for him: for him to take my body, and explore each other, and fill ourselves up with each other.
For us, D/s is one piece of our relationship. We have a lot of balance and we enjoy and experience each other in many ways. I think, for me, I’d like our D/s selves to slip out into other areas. It always sends a thrill straight through me when he unexpectedly makes a demand of me – it’s a reminder of our power exchange and hints at what might come so I stay on the edge of expectation. Delicious.
Really, it also lets me know that he wants me (and that makes me feel sexy) because I don’t feel he’s overly demonstrative with what he’s feeling or thinking about me. D/s outside of the bedroom makes me feel that I’m more than. More than a friend. More than a fuck. More than an option.
To be unbiased: he hasn’t ever really made me feel that i’m less than in our time together. In fact, he will always reassure me, and he continues to accept me as I am, and he always makes time for me/us. So I’m aware this is an old issue cropping up for me and has little to do with M as-a-person, and more about my relationship history and trust issues.
Even as I’m super excited for our upcoming time, with all it brings (play time, sex, chilling, exploring the world…) I find that I need to process these thoughts and feelings so I can release them and not have them tinge my psyche. By letting them go, maybe I can become open to seeing the ways in which he’s currently showing me that I’m more than to him, to see his overtures rather than trying to jam him into my prescribed ideas. And by letting them go, maybe I can just relax and be in the moment and enjoy each moment as it comes up. Hm. Maybe that would create a different delicious expectation for me – AND help me practice my patience (an area identified that needs some focus from me) since I won’t have any expectations about what *should* or could be happening next. Hm. Maybe it also touches my trust issues since I have to let go and trust M. Trust him to meet my needs, trust him to accept what I’d like do, and just trust that we can be present together in a good way.
Whoa. Ok. I didn’t realize that this weekend would have so many layers. Let’s see how we go. (I’d still like a pink ass by the end of it, but M said “that’s a given” so I trust he’ll make sure that happens lol)
Yay! Enjoy your weekend!