It’s been a week.
M and I met and we discussed our relationship. And, well. It came to an end.
If I’m not laying things at feet, it was a mutual decision. Between us were some deep seated differences. While I thought we would be able to discuss them and figuring things out together, upon discussion I realized that they weren’t talk-out-able.
This week has been up and down for me – some days I’m sad, some days I’m sadder, some days I feel like I’m bouncing well. All days I see the gifts and gems that was M, and all the great things I learned. About me, about people, and about relationships.
A big revelation relates to here. It wasn’t until I was with M that I could orgasm with a man. It is also with M that I felt the most accepted and true to my own self than with any other man. The revelation is that I hold myself rather tightly.
A friend told me that I need to let out a BIG cry. A big ugly cry. Oh, not to say that I wasn’t crying. I would weep, I would fight back tears, I would strive for emotional control. I searched for meaning and understanding and the ‘gift’ of our break up. But the awareness started to build that I keep an iron fist around my emotional responses. I never get crazy mad. I moderate my super happiness. I never ugly cry and let it all out.
Know what else I don’t do? Let go fully during orgasm. I hold myself in check there too.
Sigh. Even though I’m sad and I’ve had a belly full of butterflies for a week and I think I’ve lost 5lbs because the idea of eating is nauseating. Even though we still talk and even though I still love him. I can trust myself. I can learn and grow.