…all good things…

It’s been a week.

M and I met and we discussed our relationship. And, well. It came to an end.

If I’m not laying things at feet, it was a mutual decision. Between us were some deep seated differences. While I thought we would be able to discuss them and figuring things out together, upon discussion I realized that they weren’t talk-out-able.

This week has been up and down for me – some days I’m sad, some days I’m sadder, some days I feel like I’m bouncing well. All days I see the gifts and gems that was M, and all the great things I learned. About me, about people, and about relationships.

A big revelation relates to here. It wasn’t until I was with M that I could orgasm with a man. It is also with M that I felt the most accepted and true to my own self than with any other man. The revelation is that I hold myself rather tightly.

A friend told me that I need to let out a BIG cry. A big ugly cry. Oh, not to say that I wasn’t crying. I would weep, I would fight back tears, I would strive for emotional control. I searched for meaning and understanding and the ‘gift’ of our break up. But the awareness started to build that I keep an iron fist around my emotional responses. I never get crazy mad. I moderate my super happiness. I never ugly cry and let it all out.

Know what else I don’t do? Let go fully during orgasm. I hold myself in check there too.

Sigh. Even though I’m sad and I’ve had a belly full of butterflies for a week and I think I’ve lost 5lbs because the idea of eating is nauseating. Even though we still talk and even though I still love him. I can trust myself. I can learn and grow.

xo D

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8 thoughts on “…all good things…

  1. I’m so sorry to hear about your split up dolce, that is sad news and you need to allow yourself the right to grieve.
    That being said your travels so far have shown so much self discovery and acceptance that it is obvious you have a lot of strength to call on should you need it!
    Big *hugs* for now, but I know you’ve got this! đŸ™‚

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  2. Sorry to read about this , Dolce.. I guess, on the bright side , each relationship we enter teaches us valuable lessons about what we want/what we don’t want in relationships, Each experience is making you better, ultimately , for the final taker… Best wishes, and may your future brighten up soon.

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