It’s early days for me.
M was an unexpected gift for me in oh-so-many ways. I have never been one to be out on the pull, nor actively seeking a relationship, and I don’t think that has changed inside of me. But in the 2 weeks or so since we broke up, a few men have approached me and were happy I’m now single – asking me on dates, and one wants to explore a FWB relationship with me (which I’ve never had nor understood how it might be possible).
These other men don’t interest me very much, but I can’t deny that my ego is being stroked, and I’m realizing that I’m not the same person as I was a year ago.
It’s highlighted that my sexual-self has grown.
I like sex that has more kink. I liked sex with M. I liked being submissive to him. And that’s left me wondering how this will translate into any future sexual relationships I have. My submissiveness with M was very specific to him. I don’t know how easily I would enjoy sex like that with ‘just anybody’ and yet I don’t know how easily I would enjoy strictly vanilla sex anymore.
Being Dom with a man, though… I’m certain I wouldn’t be interested in that. But I’m also not interested in just letting anyone tie me up or spank me – I’m not certain that I would enjoy it as much as I did with M. I feel like I’m in some sort of not-vanilla/not-quite-BDSM space. I’m too new to BDSM and I’m kind of also new exploring my sexual self, so I’m not sure what else is out there!
It’s something that will be figured out with time, and within the context of whatever relationship I’m in – I know that. It’s just that any of the self-reflection I’ve done in recent weeks hasn’t uncovered my sexual development until today so I’m curious how this might play out. And since this blog is about my thoughts and exploration, I thought I’d explore this idea with you.
After our time together, I feel sexier. I wear lacy sexy smalls all the time, even when it’s only me who knows. I don’t abhor short skirts. I’m more open about sex. I feel more aligned with my sexual self. I see that sex can be fun. I see that sex can lead to self-awareness and exploration.
So thank you for joining me over the last 6 months while I opened this part of me. Your words and your connections and your blogs have inspired me and helped me uncover my sexual self, and get comfortable with myself as a sexual being.
This isn’t the end of my exploration. The next leg of my journey is entirely unknown! Amazingly, I’m excited by this!