So, I’m just trying to feel my way forward in this new blossoming-self path that I’m walking along here. I meet my emotions and reactions and try to be more aware of ‘things’ as I cavort along.
Some exciting things that have come up includes me flirting, and another is maybe finding a fwb-type-relationship. Another thing is that I’ve been sending sexy pics to M.
I’m not super sure what any of those mean for a long term. I enjoy each moment while I’m there, and try not to analyze afterwards, or put too much thought or weight into them. That’s kind of a hard push for me – but only because that’s what I’m used to doing. When I let go of the outcome, it becomes easy and enjoyable!
Speaking of letting go, I used my small good friend from before, and saw again how tightly I hold myself during orgasm… as if I’m afraid that if I don’t force it, it won’t happen. The irony being, of course, that it doesn’t always happen fully when I force it. There’s a lesson here, I know it…
Anyhow. I’m worried that if I follow these two paths – or at least stay open to the idea – of flirting, or finding a fwb that it means I’ve somehow lost any potential M and I. Or that I’m unequivocally declaring that I’ve moved on. Or that it *really* means that we’re incompatible. Or that I’ve definitely closed a door on us.
Which is slightly ridiculous. He says he’s caught feelings for an ex, so he’s sort of already proclaimed that we’re absolutely over. And I know that we’re incompatible for the long term. And I feel mostly friend-ish for him.
I think I’m just trying to work through my vestigal feelings for him, as this is the first break up like this I’ve been in, and the lovey emotions seem to take time to ease out of me.
Maybe this fwb can figure out how to ease things in and out of me… 😉
I am aware we’re not a long term match, and that we were great while we were together.
I also want him to be happy, and if we know that our individual happiness can be found with someone else, then that’s wonderful and we both celebrate it. There’s a lingering weirdness for me, since it’s only been M for the last 5 years, and I’m turning some sort of corner by engaging with someone else. The feelings I had for M were so strong and so fresh and so enlightening… it’s difficult for me to just drop them. And maybe I never fully will.
So because of all that, I’m very content to be his friend and help celebrate and support his happiness – wherever he might find it.