There haven’t been too many times when I’ve been drinking and made questionable decisions. Usually I’m fairly balanced to imagine how icky I’ll feel the next day if I follow feelings or a path that I wouldn’t take sober.
Apparently this weekend was the exception that proved the rule.
Some ego strokes from different men, a un-quantifiable amount of alcohol, and a sexy outfit led me to wanting something from someone at sometime.
The 3am text inviting me to his after we said goodnight irl wasn’t quite what I had in mind – although it was nice that this man was interested: he’s a cute young thang, and seemed keen that I’m 10 years older than him… hello Mrs. Robinson! But, snapchat is brilliant for a first foray while I explore casual-ish sexual relationships.
It started gently enough, with just cleavage pics, and me in my bra. And it was a lot of fun. And then he started to get chatty with what he wanted to see, and what he wanted to do, and what he wanted me to do. It really spoke to my desire to submit – unexpectedly, since I wasn’t sure how my submission might show up with anyone other than M. Submitting to M was satisfying, and layered with fun, and felt that it contributed to our relationship, whereas submitting to a veritable stranger’s requests just felt … like I was scratching an itch, if that makes sense.
I enjoyed behaving in a way that allowed me to test my sexual boundaries and try something new. If my intent for the next little while is to go out and explore and make mistakes and learn stuff about what I like and what’s possible, my sex-snap episode certainly fit the bill. As this was a new thing, I connected the following day and said thanks and sorry but I just used him. He said no problem (I don’t know why I found that so funny) so I think I need to figure out how to handle that next day feeling – maybe that’s not even a thing that normally people do. I don’t know!
How to go forward…
The concept of casual sex is still likely to be a test for me. I’m not sure if I can make that work in my head, I think I’m just too cautious a person. And I’m sure that I’m not interest in starting another relationship. So… It feels like friends-with-benefits is an option, or serial dating with a few different men.
My idea right now is to just be open and explore and meet myself in this new way. Of course, safety is my primary focus, and then some play and messiness is the next.