A foray …

There haven’t been too many times when I’ve been drinking and made questionable decisions. Usually I’m fairly balanced to imagine how icky I’ll feel the next day if I follow feelings or a path that I wouldn’t take sober.

Apparently this weekend was the exception that proved the rule.

Some ego strokes from different men, a un-quantifiable amount of alcohol, and a sexy outfit led me to wanting something from someone at sometime.

The 3am text inviting me to his after we said goodnight irl wasn’t quite what I had in mind – although it was nice that this man was interested: he’s a cute young thang, and seemed keen that I’m 10 years older than him… hello Mrs. Robinson! But, snapchat is brilliant for a first foray while I explore casual-ish sexual relationships.

It started gently enough, with just cleavage pics, and me in my bra. And it was a lot of fun. And then he started to get chatty with what he wanted to see, and what he wanted to do, and what he wanted me to do. It really spoke to my desire to submit – unexpectedly, since I wasn’t sure how my submission might show up with anyone other than M. Submitting to M was satisfying, and layered with fun, and felt that it contributed to our relationship, whereas submitting to a veritable stranger’s requests just felt … like I was scratching an itch, if that makes sense.

I enjoyed behaving in a way that allowed me to test my sexual boundaries and try something new. If my intent for the next little while is to go out and explore and make mistakes and learnĀ stuff about what I like and what’s possible, my sex-snap episode certainly fit the bill. As this was a new thing, I connected the following day and said thanks and sorry but I just used him. He said no problem (I don’t know why I found that so funny) so I think I need to figure out how to handle that next day feeling – maybe that’s not even a thing that normally people do. I don’t know!

xo D


How to go forward…
The concept of casual sex is still likely to be a test for me. I’m not sure if I can make that work in my head, I think I’m just too cautious a person. And I’m sure that I’m not interest in starting another relationship. So… It feels like friends-with-benefits is an option, or serial dating with a few different men.

My idea right now is to just be open and explore and meet myself in this new way. Of course, safety is my primary focus, and then some play and messiness is the next.

Yay! xo

 

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Oh! One other step…

In sending sexy pics to M, I found that I really like it. It really appeals to my submissive self, as well as my exhibitionist side.

A friend suggested that I look in to cam4.com but I think that’s a few steps away from where I’m at. But, I can’t think that M will be happy to continue to receive sexy snaps from me, especially if he forges a relationship with his ex.

So I’m trying to figure out how to connect with someone who wants to see my sexy snaps.

This is yet another exciting new thing for me!

xo Dolci

A Next Step…

So, I’m just trying to feel my way forward in this new blossoming-self path that I’m walking along here. I meet my emotions and reactions and try to be more aware of ‘things’ as I cavort along.

Some exciting things that have come up includes me flirting, and another is maybe finding a fwb-type-relationship. Another thing is that I’ve been sending sexy pics to M.

I’m not super sure what any of those mean for a long term. I enjoy each moment while I’m there, and try not to analyze afterwards, or put too much thought or weight into them. That’s kind of a hard push for me – but only because that’s what I’m used to doing. When I let go of the outcome, it becomes easy and enjoyable!

Speaking of letting go, I used my small good friend from before, and saw again how tightly I hold myself during orgasm… as if I’m afraid that if I don’t force it, it won’t happen. The irony being, of course, that it doesn’t always happen fully when I force it. There’s a lesson here, I know it…

Anyhow. I’m worried that if I follow these two paths – or at least stay open to the idea – of flirting, or finding a fwb that it means I’ve somehow lost any potential M and I. Or that I’m unequivocally declaring that I’ve moved on. Or that it *really* means that we’re incompatible. Or that I’ve definitely closed a door on us.

Which is slightly ridiculous. He says he’s caught feelings for an ex, so he’s sort of already proclaimed that we’re absolutely over. And I know that we’re incompatible for the long term. And I feel mostly friend-ish for him.
I think I’m just trying to work through my vestigal feelings for him, as this is the first break up like this I’ve been in, and the lovey emotions seem to take time to ease out of me.

Maybe this fwb can figure out how to ease things in and out of me… šŸ˜‰

xo Dolci


I am aware we’re not a long term match, and that we were great while we were together.

I also want him to be happy, and if we know that our individual happiness can be found with someone else, then that’s wonderful and we both celebrate it. There’s a lingeringĀ weirdness for me, since it’s only been M for the last 5 years, and I’m turning some sort of corner by engaging with someone else. The feelings I had for M were so strong and so fresh and so enlightening… it’s difficult for me to just drop them. And maybe I never fully will.

So because of all that, I’m very content to be his friend and help celebrate and support his happiness – wherever he might find it.

 

…what happens next?

It’s early days for me.

M was an unexpected gift for me in oh-so-many ways. I have never been one to be out on the pull, nor actively seeking a relationship, and I don’t think that has changed inside of me. But in the 2 weeks or so since we broke up, a few men have approached me and were happy I’m now single – asking me on dates, and one wants to explore a FWB relationship with me (which I’ve never had nor understood how it might be possible).

These other men don’t interest me very much, but I Ā can’t deny that my ego is being stroked, and I’m realizing that I’m not the same person as I was a year ago.

It’s highlighted that my sexual-self has grown.

I like sex that has more kink. I liked sex with M. I liked being submissive to him. And that’s left me wondering how this will translate into any future sexual relationships I have. My submissiveness with M was very specific to him. I don’t know how easily I would enjoy sex like that with ‘just anybody’ and yet I don’t know how easily I would enjoy strictly vanilla sex anymore.

Being Dom with a man, though… I’m certain I wouldn’t be interested in that. But I’m also not interested in just letting anyone tie me up or spank me – I’m not certain that I would enjoy it as much as I did with M. I feel like I’m in some sort of not-vanilla/not-quite-BDSM space. I’m too new to BDSM and I’m kind of also new exploring my sexual self, so I’m not sure what else is out there!

It’s something that will be figured out with time, and within the context of whatever relationship I’m in – I know that. It’s just that any of the self-reflection I’ve done in recent weeks hasn’t uncovered my sexual development until today so I’m curious how this might play out. And since this blog is about my thoughts and exploration, I thought I’d explore this idea with you.

After our time together, I feel sexier. I wear lacy sexy smalls all the time, even when it’s only me who knows. I don’t abhor short skirts. I’m more open about sex. I feel more aligned with my sexual self. I see that sex can be fun. I see that sex can lead to self-awareness and exploration.

So thank you for joining me over the last 6 months while I opened this part of me. Your words and your connections and your blogs have inspired me and helped me uncover my sexual self, and get comfortable with myself as a sexual being.

This isn’t the end of my exploration. The next leg of my journey is entirely unknown! Amazingly, I’m excited by this!

xo D

…all good things…

It’s been a week.

M and I met and we discussed our relationship. And, well. It came to an end.

If I’m not laying things at feet, it was a mutual decision. Between us were some deep seated differences. While I thought we would be able to discuss them and figuring things out together, upon discussion I realized that they weren’t talk-out-able.

This week has been up and down for me – some days I’m sad, some days I’m sadder, some days I feel like I’m bouncing well. All days I see the gifts and gems that was M, and all the great things I learned. About me, about people, and about relationships.

A big revelation relates to here. It wasn’t until I was with M that I could orgasm with a man. It is also with M that I felt the most accepted and true to my own self than with any other man. The revelation is that I hold myself rather tightly.

A friend told me that I need to let out a BIG cry. A big ugly cry. Oh, not to say that I wasn’t crying. I would weep, I would fight back tears, I would strive for emotional control. I searched for meaning and understanding and the ‘gift’ of our break up. But the awareness started to build that I keep an iron fist around my emotional responses. I never get crazy mad. I moderate my super happiness. I never ugly cry and let it all out.

Know what else I don’t do? Let go fully during orgasm. I hold myself in check there too.

Sigh. Even though I’m sad and I’ve had a belly full of butterflies for a week and I think I’ve lost 5lbs because the idea of eating is nauseating. Even though we still talk and even though I still love him. I can trust myself. I can learn and grow.

xo D