It was an early separation between M and I this morning – our last morning goodbye for an unknown length of time: our idyllic weekend +2 days is over and I wanted to squeeze out a little more time. I asked M if he could find some way to tuck me into his afternoon, both of us with the knowledge that our next time together is not scheduled and may be a while ahead of us (totally makes me sad. We’ll at least be able to chat, but it’s sort of going to be similar to a LDR. sigh.)
He found a way to get us together for a few hours this afternoon and I was so grateful. After having so much time together, and still feeling the tender throb inside me from our time together, I wasn’t yet ready to say goodbye and would accept whatever he had in mind.
In an effort to please him, I took care to put on make up a little heavier than I usually do; wear a sundress without a bra; wear silky lacy panties; and resolved to be completely available to him and endure whatever he doled out. I don’t know if he notices these things, I don’t know if he cares. I feel happy considering him when I’m getting ready to see him and it sends a zing of pleasure in me when I imagine him touching my naked breasts through my dress, and pulling my panties aside to better reach my pussy. I like highlighting my yin energies with dark smokey eyes in contrast to his deep blue eyes, his yang.
I love talking to him about anything, and hearing him tell his favourite stories from his past. I love snuggling up to his bigger-than-me body, and stroking his chest and shoulders. His hand lifts and tucks my knee over his body and spanks my ass with authority – maybe because I’m new, or maybe because we’re still sorting each other out, or because he’s more kind than cruel – but he still accepts my squiggle-away from his hand when it becomes too intense. Today I strived to breathe into the pain, and welcome the heat, and look into his eyes – I think I did better, but I still needed to shift away. Not a great sub, I know. I wonder how we can make this work better: a defined number of spanks? His hand spanking at 50% strength? A wee rub between blows? It sounds as though this is something we could discuss.
He quickly okayed my request to bury his fingers inside me after that good spanking, delivered to better remember him while we are apart for this next little bit of time. I was super surprised that his fingers on, around, and inside me quickly brought me to climax since this isn’t something easily achieved by anyone other than me. I can feel my breath quicken as I type out those words. Mm! His hands are so firm at my pussy, his attention so complete, the trust deepening between us, his interest in helping me feel good, my ass still sparking from the spanking… so. fucking. amazing. Whew.
So. My ass has been pleasantly hot and tender over the last several hours since we were together, and each time I rub myself I am instantly reminded of him. Not that I need much of a reminder. I think about him all the time, and I continue to be stunned and thrilled that he chose me. And you know what? I just realized that I chose him too. That I haven’t a need to be partnered up, and in fact, I wasn’t even trying to have someone in my life. He wowed me and keeps wowing me with how amazing he is – I couldn’t not choose him (if that makes sense).
Figuring out relationships in general is a challenge for me (I just deleted the pity-party I had written out. It doesn’t matter how I got here, I acknowledge that I have a hard time seeing and trusting love. And. I am trying to be genuine, open, and present in my self, my relationships with others, and mostly with M). I feel very blessed that M took the time to hang in with me while I was struggling to figure things out – and that he has a view of relationships that he’s able to share with me: I really see it as an umbrella of relationship possibility he’s opened above me, cozying us up beneath it, and he’s showing me what happens when the constant barrage of falling shit finally stops.
The way in which he’s opened my eyes to having a mutually satisfying, trusting, dependable relationship makes me want to cry. It’s hard for me to trust him, even still I worry that this is unsustainable – this way he is, and his interest in me.
It is in the aspects of D/s that I see how we can grow deeper together, learn more about each other, have more openness, and be very real and honest with each other. He’s said this is imperative to him, and I believe he means it – and I can see why it would be, especially in the context of a bdsm relationship. M doesn’t realize that being fully honest is a tough spot for me. Too often my honesty has led to rejection – and I say this without any pity – so I learned quickly to cloak my true feelings and responses and adopt the feelings of those around me. So not only is M helping me see what a healthy relationship might look like, he is also helping me touch my true feelings and still feel accepted when I voice them. He is also helping me redefine what makes a Man – because it *can* include discussions about feelings and motivations and include respectful strength and assertiveness.
What an angelheart indeed.