Oops. And a little more…

M and I are still sorting out how we play and fit together. This is the first relationship I’ve had where I feel free to be me, and to talk out loud to my partner about what I *really* crave and want and need. It is magical. Seriously.

So. It turned out that M wanted the clothespin play to happen *with* him for my first time. He liked the vid and the snaps, but it was clear that he wants to experience many of my firsts with me. I can appreciate and understand that. This is a super small bump in our journey as we figure each other out, and I love and embrace the way we are learning together.

It’s a little bit much at this point for me to just blindly walk into a completely unknown situation with a person that I’m just warming up to trusting. I think I need more time for some components of our play. M appears to be fully committed to engender trust between us, and it makes me so soft to him… But i definitely need more time to see it and believe it.

A thing I feel we’re working through is how much and how often and in what way we play in public. We were out recently and I didn’t want him to finger me or twist my nipples pressed against the car this time. While I realize that I’m more likely to speak out in this relationship with M, I also felt a little constrained because of the D/s dynamic that we’re creating.
How much is ok for me to say I don’t want to do something?
At what point do I have to submit to what he’s saying and just go with it to see if I like it?
How do I know if it’s a limit today, when another time I was ok to do a similar thing?
How can I communicate this to him?

There were small nuances this time that I didn’t realize factored: there were young children in our area, I was wearing a longer sundress, and it was very very busy with people. Even though I would have been mortified if one of my children’s friends should happen upon us, I would have been forever wounded if I thought they were confused or hurt in what they witnessed. That’s so deeply pressed in me that I feel it would affect my outdoor play – next time would be tough for me to enjoy.

As it was, the tussle between us was the right amount to get me soaking, and he and I retired to a more secluded, but still outdoor, location for better play. I really liked the way he handled my discomfort. I felt heard, and respected, and valued.

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My struggle is that I’m a slow truster, as it turns out. I haven’t had a whack of relationships, and of those few, there have been even fewer ‘good’ ones… add my family-of-origin issues and confusion, and geez. I just can’t quite connect how I can trust M and know that it might not be forever. Anyway – I’m just saying that because it seems there are aspects of trust that come easier to me.

The Magic of M is that he came to me at a time when I had no desire or belief that I would ever find a man interesting. He steadily stoked an ember inside me until it caught fire, it has me glowing all the time. I can feel it brightening and catching.